The Flying Nun
A Highway Trooper is surprised to find a nun behind the wheel of the car he has pulled over. "I'm terribly sorry maam but its not safe to do 35 mph on the interstate."
"But all the signs said 35," she replied.
"Those are route signs, maam. This is route 35". At this point he looks in the back seat to see two more nuns, mouths ajar, eyes wide open, in an obvious state of shock.
"Whats the matter?" he asks.
"Oh, we just pulled off of route 99."
Heaven, I'm In Heaven...
Marty & Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland - dinner. Since Marty'sminor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet, depriving him of all the foods he loved.
As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed into theirs, killingMarty & Jane instantly.
St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a tour of Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion: "Your new home," St. Peter told them.
Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, "How much is this going to cost us?"
"Nothing," St. Peter replied. "Everything is free in Heaven."
Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.
"This is your private golf course," St. Peter said. "It changes daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth."
"What are the green fees?" Marty asked.
"This is Heaven," St. Peter said. "You play for free, my friend."
Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish buffet made from the best cuisineEarth had to offer.
"How much to eat?" Marty asked.
St. Peter replied, "My friend, don't you understand yet? This is Heaven - it's all free!"
"I see," Marty said, scratching his chin. "Tell me, is that meal low sodium, low fat and low cholesterol?"
"No," St. Peter said. "And that's really the best part: You can eat as much as you like, of whatever you want, and never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
With that, Marty pitched a fit: He tossed his halo on the floor and took the Lord's name in vain (several times, in fact).
"Marty!" Jane cried. "What's wrong?"
Marty glared at his wife. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong! If it wasn't for your daggone bran muffins, I could have been here fifteen years ago!"