时间:2017-10-01 19:48:19 英语笑话 我要投稿





  1、 "In secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my height.Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn't know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date's and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear.When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn't want to hear: "Go barefoot."中学的时候,我对自己的高度非常敏感。一次,一位救生员约我出去。事实上,我从未和他并肩站过,因而不知道他到底有多高。因此约会那晚,我拿出两双鞋,一双高跟,一双平跟。我安排哥哥去开门,让他和救生员比比高度,再上楼告诉我应穿哪双鞋。门铃响了,我在楼上等着。哥哥跑上楼告诉了我一个不幸的消息:“你可以光着脚去约会。”"

  2、 "A man was sitting in a bar with tears streaming down his face. A friend walked in and asked why he was so unhappy. The weeping one said, The doctor has just told me I'll have to take these tablets for the rest of my life.Cheerfully, his friend pointed out that many people have to take tablets every day of their life. Sure, came the reply, but he only gave me ten.一个男人坐在酒吧里痛哭流泪。一个朋友走进来问他为何如此伤心。那人哭着说:刚才医生告诉我,在我的余生里都要吃这些药片。他的朋友很轻松地指出,许多人一辈子每天都要吃药。当然,男人回答说:但是他只给了我十片。"

  3、 "There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take&n......。一个金发女郎,是那么恶心的黄色笑话她把头发染成红色。笑话停了下来,她觉得很好,她在农村的一个搭车的星期六下午。而在这旅程,她注意到一群羊,停下车来把......。"

  4、 "A medical student was called on to state how much of a certain drug he would give to a patient. He promptly replied: "Five grains." A minute later the student asked the professor, "May I correct my answer?" The professor looked at his watch and said: "It's too late. Your patient died thirty seconds ago." 一个医科学生被要求说明他给病人服的那种药的用量。他立即回答道:“五粒。” 一分钟后,这个学生问教授:“我可以改正我的回答吗?”教授看看手表,说:“太晚啦,你的病人已在30秒钟以前死了。”"

  5、 "A man was a butterfingers. He had been suffering from unemployment for months. At last he found a job in a chinaware house. He had worked only a few days when he dropped a large vase. The manager summoned him to the office and told him that money would be deducted from his wages every week until the vase was paid for. He asked: "How much did it cost?" "Five hundred dollars." said the manager. "Oh, that's wonderful," he said happily, "I'm so happy that I have got a steady job at last."  有一个人很粗心,老是打烂东西。他已失业好几个月了。  最后他在一个瓷器店找到了一个工作。可是才干了几天,他就打烂了一个很大的花瓶。  经理把他到办公室去,告诉他每个星期都要扣他的工钱,直到赔偿够了为止。他就问:“那个花瓶值多少钱?”经理说:“值500美元。”他很高兴地说:“啊!太妙了,我非常高兴,终于有个稳定的工作啦。”"

  6、 "A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!" 一名新警察与老警察开着警车第一次出去巡逻。 他们得到命令去疏散一群闲逛的人,于是他们开车去了那条街,看到路口站着一群人。 新警察摇下窗户:“大家注意了,快离开这里。”人们看了他几眼,没理他。他喊起来:“离开这里,马上离开!”大家都不知道怎么回事,但是在他的威胁下还是离开了。 新警察对他第一次执行公务的结果很满意,对老警察说:“我干得怎么样?”“你做得很好,”老警察笑着说,“尤其是在公共汽车站。”"

  7、 Now i can go homeOne day after school the teacher said to his students,“Tomorrow morning,if any one of you can answer my first question.I'll permit him or her to go home earlier.” The next day,when the teacher came into the classroom,he found the blackboard daubed.He was very angry and asked,“Who did it?Please stand up! ” “It' s me,”said Bob,“Now,I can go home,Good-bye,Sir! ”我 可 以 回 家 了一天,放学以后,老师对他的学生们说:“明天上午,如果你们当中的任何一个同学能回答我的第一个问题,我就准许他或她最先回家。”第二天,老师走进教室时发现黑板已被乱涂,他非常生气地问:“谁涂的? 请站起来。”鲍勃说:“先生,是我,现在我可以回家了,再见。”

  8、 ""Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying.""Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any.""But has he finished his own cake?""Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."“汤姆,你弟弟怎么了?” 妈妈在厨房里问。“他在哭。”“没事儿,妈妈,”汤姆答道。“我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。”“他已经吃完自己的了么?”“是的。”“我帮他吃完时,他也哭了。”"

  9、 "A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."Bartender: "That should make you happy."The man: "No, the month is up today!"一个男人坐在酒吧里,伤心至极。酒吧招待:“你怎么了?跟老婆闹矛盾了?”男人:“我们吵了一架,她说一个月都不跟我说话。”酒吧招待:“那你应该高兴才是啊!”男人:“不,今天是这个月的最后一天。”"

  10、 "After supper, the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests. At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV, "Honey, go see if the kitchen light is on or not?" After a while, her son returned and said, "Ma, the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all."  晚饭后,父亲和母亲都忙着和客人玩麻将,这时母亲忽然想起点儿事来,便对正在看电视的儿子说道:“宝贝,去看看厨房里的灯是不是还开着呢?” 过了一会儿,儿子回来说:“妈,厨房里太黑了,我根本就看不见。”"

  11、 "The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives. He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely(严格地,严厉地).Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel(劝告,建议) to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right.It's good to see, said the king, that we have one real man in the kingdom. Tell these chickenhearted(胆小的) dunces(傻瓜) why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.Your Majesty, came the reply in a squealing voice, it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.一个真正的男子汉古代有一个国王,他想证明他领土内的男人并非像人们传说的那样,受到老婆的管制。他把王国里所有的男人都召到跟前,警告说,哪个男人胆敢不说实话,就会受到严厉的'惩罚。然后,他叫所有听从妻子的命令和意见的男人都走向大厅的左侧。所有的男人都站到了左侧,只有一个小个子男人站到了右侧。国王说:看到我们国家里还有一个真正的男子汉,真是令人高兴。告诉这些胆小的笨蛋,为什么在他们当中只有你一个人站在大厅的右侧。陛下,那人尖声地回答:因为在我出门之前,我老婆告诉我不要扎堆。"

  12、 "As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"一个女孩爬到圣诞老人的膝盖上,圣诞老人例行公事的问:“今年圣诞节你想要什么呢?”孩子瞪大眼睛惊讶的望着圣诞老人一分钟都没讲话,然后喘着气说到:“你没收到我的电子邮件吗?(我想要什么都写上面了,万能的圣诞老人咋能不知道捏)”"

  13、 "Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生,我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候,我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了!”“给我一年时间,”医生说,“每周来三次,我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了,“为什么你再也没来呢?”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗?有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了!”"

  14、 "Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings."Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!""Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."父亲在哪儿?兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。“看,”哥哥说,“这些画多漂亮呀!”“是啊,”弟弟说道,“可是在所有这些画中,只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?”哥哥想了会儿,然后解释道:“很明显,他当时正在画这些画呗。”"

  15、 "A lorry driver makes inquiry of a mountaineer, "Excuse me, where can I buy the auto accessories(附件) in the neighborhood?" Mountaineer says, "Some people usually drive heroic car on the road. There is a abrupt turn(急转弯) ahead not far from here, and a clough(深谷) just below it, where you can find all kinds of the auto accessories. You will spend no money at all."一个卡车司机向一山民打听:“请问,这附近哪儿能买到汽车配件?” 山民说:“这条路上经常有人开英雄车,前面不远处是个急转弯,急转弯的下面就是深谷,那深谷里什么样的汽车配件都有——根本用不着花钱。”"

  16、 "At auction spot, someone has lost a bag, in which has the vital document.The owner says, "Once who picked it up brings it to me, I will take out 200 dollars to remunerate reward him or her."On hearing the news, another chap(小伙子,家伙) shouts out:" I reward 300 dollars."  拍卖会上,有人的包丢了,里面装有重要文件。物主说:“有谁拣到送还,我将拿出200美元以表酬谢。”话刚出口,就听有人喊:“我出300美元。”"

  17、 "A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill.""I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive.""Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:“我想他伤得很厉害。”医生说:“恐怕他已经死了。”听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:“我没死,我还活着。”妻子说:“安静,医生比你懂得多。”"

  18、 The owner of a large department store went over hisbooks and discovered that his most trusted employee had stolenover a million dollars from the firm.“I want no scandal,” saidthe owner.“I'll just fire you.” The employee replied,“True,I robbed your firm of quitea tidy sum. I now have yachts, a country mansion, jewelry,and every luxury you can think of. I don't need a thing, sowhy hire somebody else and have him start from scratch?”一家大百货店的老板在查帐中发现,他最信任的雇员从公司偷走了一百多万美元。“我不要丑闻。”老板说。“我只要开除你。”那个雇员回答说:“不错,我是偷了你公司相当一大笔钱。现在我有游艇、一座乡村别墅、珠宝,以及你能想到的一切 奢侈品。我什么都不需要了,你为什么要再雇个人来,让他从头做起呢?”

  19、 On his deathbed poor Lubin lies; His spouse is in despair; With frequent sobs and mutual cries; They both express their care. “A different cause,”says Parson Sly, “The same effect may give: Poor Lubin fears that he may die ; His wife,that he may live”.马修·普赖厄 可怜的鲁宾躺在他的病床里; 他的妻子陷入绝望; 频频啜泣,相对哭啼, 他们都表达着忧伤。 “不同原因,”滑头牧师说, “可产生同样结果: 可怜的鲁宾怕他会死; 他老婆,怕他会活。”

  20、 "Compare other things?比一下其他?Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name signed.Mom: You just care about this? Haven’t you compared other things?Son: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.儿子:妈妈,John有双乔丹签名的球鞋。妈妈:你只关心这个吗?不会比一下其它东西?儿子:有啊,他妈妈比你漂亮。"

  21、 "A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?一个非常和蔼的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。我亲爱的,老夫人说,我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词,一个是“讨厌的”,另一个是“极好的”。你能答应我吗?噢,当然,奶奶。女孩说:是哪两个词?"

  22、 "Our physics professor was struggling to draw the class into discussion of Archimede's principle of water displacement. He told us that Archimede noticed that when he got into a pool at the public bathhouse, the water rose spilling over the edge. Excited at his discovery, he ran down the street yelling, "Eureka, eureka!" The instructor asked if anyone knew what that meant.  One student stood up and answered, "I'm naked ! I'm naked!"我们的物理教授千方百计引导我们讨论阿基米德的排水原理。他告诉我们阿基米德去公共浴池洗澡,他进入池子,发现水涨高了,溢出池沿。他对这一发现十分激动,跑到街上高叫:“Eureka,Eureka!”教授问我们谁知道他喊的是什么意思。一个学生站起来答道:“我光屁股啦,我光屁股啦!”"

  23、 "A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a porce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a porce at this time of life?"the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."有一个丈夫和妻子都是91岁,他们站在法官面前,要求离婚。“我不明白,”法官说,“你们为什么到了这把年纪还要离婚?”丈夫解释道:“嗯,你是知道的,我们以前是哟等到孩子们都死了。”"

  24、 "A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many.  Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response. However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"   At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!"我的一位朋友看到一个男子在时代广场的地铁车站摇摇晃晃地走。那个人穿着时髦,敞着怀,一个手提箱在他的手里悬吊着,很明显他是多喝了一杯。我朋友问他怎么样,那男子含糊而肯定地回答说没问题。然而我朋友就是不能眼看着有人在纽约地铁独入是非之地而置之不顾。他跟在那家伙的后面,又一次问道:“你肯定你没事?你在找哪个地铁站?你需要帮忙回家吗?”他所注意的对象终于忍耐不住了,对他低声咆哮道:“你给我走开!我是便衣警察!”"

  25、 A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing, the boy rushed into his room, knocked some books out of their place, threw his parcelon the desk and said,“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.” Swift turned round and said,“My boy, that is not the way to deliver your parcel.Now, you sit in my chair,watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.” The boy sat down. Swift went out, knocked on his door and waited. The boy said“Come in.” The doctor entered,walked to his desk and said,“If you please sir, my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.” The boy answered,“Thank you, my boy, Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.” The Doctor laughed, and after that, Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip.在斯威夫特博士家附近,有一位富有的老妇人,她时常打发仆人给他送礼物。斯威夫特博士接受她的礼物,但从不给小厮任何酬谢。一天,斯威夫特博士正忙着写东西,小厮冲进了他的房间,把书一扒拉,将一个包裹扔在书桌上,说道:“我的女主人送给你两只兔子。” 斯威夫特转过身来说:“孩子,包裹可不是这样送法呀。现在,你坐在我的椅子上,看看我是怎么送的,并要记取这个教训。” 小厮坐了下来,斯威夫特走出去,敲了敲门,等待回音。小厮说“进来”。博士进了门,走到桌旁说道:“先生,我的女主人向您致以亲切的问候,并希望您收下这些兔子,这是她儿子今天早晨在地里打的。” 小厮回答说:“谢谢你,我的孩子。向你的女主人和她的儿子致谢,谢谢他们的关心。这两个先令是送给你本人的。” 博士笑了,打那以后,斯威夫特从没忘记送小费给小厮。

  26、 ""Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”他从头到脚打量打量她,然后大声说:“太太,我有三件事要对你说。第一,您的体重需要减少大约50磅;第二,如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红,您的美貌将会改变。第三,我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”"

  27、 "Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.  A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.   "Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends.   "In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"   "Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.三位男子在公园的长椅上坐着。中间的一个在读报纸,另外两个在假装钓鱼。他们给想象的鱼钩上鱼饵,放线,并卷线把鱼抓上来。一位过路警察驻足观察了这个景象,他问中间的那个男子是否认识其他两位。   “喔,认识,”他说,“他们是我的朋友。”“那样的话,”警察告诫说,“你最好把他们从这里弄走。”   “好的,警官。”那男子回答说,接着就开始疯狂般地做起划桨的动作来。"

  28、 "A competition which subject is on giving up drinking is proceeding. One of lecturers says excitedly, " Alcohol can break down conjugal(婚姻的) relation, even cause your wife to leave you… "A man shouts out at the news, "Give me another bottle of Brandy."以戒酒为主题的演讲比赛正在进行,一个演讲者动情地说:“酒精可以破坏夫妻关系,甚至导致妻子离开自己的丈夫……”这时一个男人大声喊:“再来一瓶白兰地!”"

  29、 "The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fence?"  "I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.动物园为刚引进的袋鼠建了一个特殊的八英尺高的围墙。但是第二天早上,人们发现这动物在围墙外面蹦跳着。于是围墙高度增加到十五英尺,但袋鼠还是跑了出来。动物园经理甚感恼火,又叫人把围墙高度加到三十英尺,但袋鼠还是逃了出来。一个长颈鹿问袋鼠:“你认为他们会把围墙建到多高?” “我不知道,”袋鼠说,“如果他们继续开着大门,可能要修到一千英尺吧。”"

  30、 Young hopeful:“Father,what is a traitor in politics?” Father(a veteran politician):“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one.” Young hopeful:“Well then,what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?” Father:“A convert,my son.”有希望的青年人:“父亲,什么叫政治叛徒?” 父亲(一位老资格的政治家):“叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人。” 有希望的青年人:“那么,离开他的党而加入到我们党的人又叫什么呢?” 父亲:“叫改变信仰者。我的儿子。”

  31、 On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York,the Star thought the fact worth recording onits evening placard.But there was another piece of news to bementioned:it was about the Ascot Cup being stolen.Theplacard thus ran: MARK TWAIN ARRIVES. ASCOT CUP STOLEN. Mark Twain,we believe,never heard the last of it.有一次,马克·吐温从纽约起程抵达伦敦访问,《星报》认为这个消息值得登在它的晚招贴上。但是,还有一条消息也要登上:关于爱斯科杯被盗的消息。招贴是这样写的: 马克·吐温 光临 爱斯科杯 被盗 我们相信,马克·吐温从来也没听说过这件事。

  32、 The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives.He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely. Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right. “It's good to see,”said the king,“that we have one real man in the kingdom.Tell these chickenhearted dunces why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.” “Your Majesty,”came the reply in a squealing voice,“it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.”古代有一个国王,他想证明他领土内的男人并非像人们传说的那样,受到老婆的管制。他把王国里所有的男人都召到跟前,警告说,哪个男人胆敢不说实话,就会受到严厉的惩罚。然后,他叫所有听从妻子的命令和意见的男人都走向大厅的左侧。所有的男人都站到了左侧,只有一个小个子男人站到了右侧。国王说:“看到我们国家里还有一个真正的男子汉,真是令人高兴。告诉这些胆小的笨蛋,为什么在他们当中只有你一个人站在大厅的右侧。” “陛下,”那人尖声地回答:“因为在我出门之前,我老婆告诉我不要扎堆。”

  33、 "Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "Make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."Her mother interrupted and said, "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“祷告上帝,”她说,“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”妈妈打断她说:“朱莉叶,你为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢?”朱莉叶回答说:“因为我在地理考卷上是这么写的。”"

  34、 "When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, "When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect. The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, "Which month did he go away?"杰克给人鞠躬,飞快地一点头,就算完了。大家都怪他不懂礼貌。于是便有好心的人教他说,“下次鞠躬的时候,你就在心里数:正月、二月、……一直数到十二月为止,然后再直起身来。这样,礼节就周全了。”第二天,杰克见到他的叔叔,他便如法炮制。这躬鞠得太久,叔叔吃了一惊,赶紧逃开了。杰克抬头一看,其叔早已不知去向,他便问过路人:“我叔叔几月走的?”"

  35、 "A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog. When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.  Turning to her kittens, the cat said, "You see how important it is to know a second language."一天,一只猫妈妈领着4只小猫在路上走,却遇到了一只大狗。小猫们吓的蜷缩成了一团,这时猫妈妈吼出了一连串的汪汪声,大狗被吓跑了。猫妈妈转过身来对几个小猫说,“孩子们,看看掌握一门外语是多么的重要呀!”"

  36、 "Pulling alongside our drive-up bank window, a woman was not happy with her position. So she backed up and pulled closer. Still not satisfied, she backed away and tried again. After five attempts, she finally parked the car and rolled down her window. I greeted her with a simple "Good morning".  "Good morning," she replied cheerfully. "I'm going to have to use this drive-up all the time. It's so easy!"一位妇女把车沿着我们银行的驱车直达窗口开过来,可她并不满意于她停的位置。因此她倒车,靠得更近点。还是不满意,倒车,再来。五次努力后,终于她把车停下来,摇下车窗。我简单地问候她一声“早上好”。   “早上好,”她愉快地回答说,“以后我都要使用这种驱车直达窗口。真是如此的方便。”"

  37、 "One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – If I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.I am waiting for my secretary, was the boy’s answer.一天课上,老师要同学们以如果我是一个经理为题写一篇作文。所有的学生都在动笔写了,只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。我在等我的秘书。那孩子答道。"

  38、 The English author,Richard Savage,was once living in London in great poverty.In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life,but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops,and Savage was living from hand tomouth.As a result of his lack of food he became very ill,butafter a time,owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him,he got well again.After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits, but poor Savage hadn't anymoney and couldn't pay it.The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again. But still no money came. Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money.Inthe end he came to Savage's house and asked him for payment,saying to Savage,“You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you.” “I agree,” said Savage,“that I owe my life to you, and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you.”With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled,The life of Richard Savage.英国作家理查德·萨维奇一度在伦敦过着贫困潦倒的生活,为了赚几个钱,他曾写了有关他自己生平的故事。但是这部书在书店里并没有卖出几本,萨维奇过着朝不保夕的日子。由于缺乏食物,他病得很厉害。后来,由于给他治疗的那个医生的高明医术,他才又恢复了健康。过了一两个星期之后,医生给萨维奇送来了一张讨要诊费的帐单,但是贫穷的萨维奇没有钱来偿付。医生等了一个月后又送来了帐单,但仍然未索回分文。几个星期之后,他又送来帐单要钱。最后,医生本人来到了萨维奇的家中,对他说:“你明白,你是欠我一条命的,我希望你有所报答。” “是的,”萨维奇说,“我是欠你一条命,为了向你证明我对你的诊治不是不报答,我将把我的命给你。” 说着这番话,萨维奇递给医生两卷书,名叫《理查德·萨维奇的一生》。

  39、 A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer.“No,ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon.” Horrified,the manager came runningover to the customer and said,“Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside:“Never, never, never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now whatwas it she wanted?” “Rain.” said the clerk.一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说:“不,夫人,这会儿没有,一时半会儿看来也不会有。”经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说:“当然,马上就会有的。我们上周订了货。”然后经理把店员拉到一边:“千万,千万,千万不要说我们没有什么——说我们已经订了货,货马上就到。现在你说她要买什么?” “雨,”店员说。

  40、 "A preacher is buying a parrotAre you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.一个传教士在买鹦鹉“你确信它不会尖叫,大叫或诅咒别人吗?”传教士问。“哦,绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主保证说。“你看见它腿上的这些细绳了吗?当你拉动右面的这根,它会背诵天主经,当你拉动左面的那根,它会背诵赞美诗”“太棒了!”传教士说,“但是如果我同时拉动两条绳子,会发生什么呢?”“我会从树干上掉下去的,你这个笨蛋!”鹦鹉尖声说道。"

  41、 ""If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class."No!" the children all answered."If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"Again, the answer was, "No!""Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?"A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"“如果我把房子和车卖了,在车库举行义卖, 并把所有的钱给穷人,我能进天堂吗?”我问主日学校的孩子。孩子们齐声回答:“不能!”“那如果我每天都打扫教堂,给院子的草坪割草,并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁,我会上天堂吗?”回答还是:“不能!”“好吧, ”我继续问, “那我要怎样才能升天堂呢?”一个五岁的男孩儿叫道:“你得死了才行!”"

  42、 "Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."  "But you're not wearing any of those things."   "I know," said Mrs. Flinders." It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'd remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."福林德斯夫人决定让人给她画肖像。她告诉那位肖像画家说:“画我带着钻石耳环、钻石项链、祖母绿手镯,还有红宝石垂饰。”   “但你现在没带这其中的任何一样饰品。”“我知道。”福林德斯夫人说,“万一我先我丈夫死去,我肯定他会立刻再婚。我要让那个女人为寻找这些珠宝而发疯。”"

  43、 What Are The Two Words?A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter.“My dear,” said the old lady,“I wish you would do something for me.I wish you would promise me never to use two words.One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’.Would you promise me that? “Why,sure,Granny,”said the girl.“What are the two words?”一个非常高贵的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。“我亲爱的,”老夫人说:“我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词。一个是‘讨厌的’,另一个是‘极好的’。你能答应我吗?” “噢,当然,奶奶。”女孩说:“是哪两个词?”

  44、 "he first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"两颗番茄去逛街,第一颗番茄突然走得很快,第二颗番茄就问:“我们要去哪里?” 第一颗番茄没有回答,第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄还没回答,所以第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄终于慢慢转头说:“我们不是番茄吗?我们会说话吗?”"

  45、 "The Same DutiesA retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."相同的职责一个退休的四星级将军在曼哈顿的一个酒吧偶然地遇到了他以前的勤务兵,勤务兵也退休在家。这位将军花了一整个晚上的时间来说服他回来做他的贴身随从。“你的职责与在军队时完全一样,”将军说,“这没什么,你很快就会再次理解它的。” 第二天早晨八点钟时,前勤务兵迅速地进到前将军的卧室,拉开窗帘,轻轻地摇了摇将军,然后大步走到床的另一侧,在他雇主的妻子屁股上拍了一下,说道:“好了,甜心,你该回到村庄去了。”"

  46、 "A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"The waiter replied with ease: "Nobody. Just your grandfather."一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一进饭店就大声嚷嚷:“喂,有什么好菜尽管端上来,钱多少我不在乎。”服务员听了很不是滋味:“哥儿们,钱多顶个屁,你不照样得做别人的儿子,就是有人要你做孙子你也不敢不做!”年青人勃然大怒:“谁敢占老子的便宜?你说,是谁不要命了,胆敢要老子做他的孙子?”服务员慢条斯理地答道:“你爷爷!”"

  47、 "A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer. No, ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting soon.Horrified, the manager came runningover to the customer and said, Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside: Never, never, never say we are out of anything say we've got it on order and it's coming.Now what was it she wanted? Rain, said the clerk.一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说:不,夫人,这会儿没有,一时半会儿看来也不会有。经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说:当然,马上就会有的。我们上周订了货。然后经理把店员拉到一边:千万,千万,千万不要说我们没有什么,说我们已经订了货,货马上就到。现在你说她要买什么? 雨,店员说。"

  48、 "The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud.""How will that help?" said the second boy."Just do it," insisted the first.Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"两个男孩子在后院露营,他们不知道到了晚上几点钟。于是,一个男孩对另外一个说:“我们开始大声唱歌就行了。”“那就会知道时间吗?”第二个男孩问。“只管唱吧。”第一个坚持道。两个孩子开始大声唱歌,过了一会儿,一个邻居打开窗户喊道:“小声点!你们不知道现在是凌晨三点吗?”"

  49、 "Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office."Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he's dead."Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天,他们沿着医院的游泳池散步,Jim突然跳入泳池的深水区,他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他,她潜到水底,把Jim拉了上来。当院长听闻了Mary的英勇行为后,他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公室.“Mary,我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人,这说明你的意识已经恢复了,你可以出院了。坏消息就是,Jim,你救的那个病人,他还是用自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了。”Mary说:“他没有自杀,是我把他吊起来好让他晾干。”"

  50、 This story is told of a browbeating counsel,who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent's witnesses.One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations.“I want‘yes’or‘no,’”thundered counsel.“There is no need for you to argue the point!”“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no,’”mildly responded the witness.“There are not!” snapped the lawyer.“Oh,” said the witness,“answer this then:Have you ceased beating your wife?”这个故事讲的是一个咄咄逼人的辩护律师,他惯于尽量去恐吓对方的证人。有一个证人有点倾向于在回答问题之前做冗长的解释。“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’,”辩护律师怒喝道: “你没有必要就这个问题进行争论。”“可是有些问题无法用‘是’或者‘不是’来回答。”这位证人温和地回敬他。“不存在这样的问题!”律师厉声打断他。“噢,”证人说:“那么请你回答这个问题:你停止打你老婆了吗?”